Standing at the alter I started to wonder how it had all gone so right. The tingle of anticapation in my colon, the oniony taste of chives in my mouth, the burning sensation when I pass water. Yes today I would bind my love with Natasha, today I would commit myself for all time to my sweet little dribbly and tonight I would deffinetly sex her face off. Prior to this however I had to deal with Sebastian. His mind seemingly not wiped I was afraid that he could upset my nuptials, and of course if Natasha refuses to marry me it is tradition in the village that she be mixed with beaten egg and breadcrumbs and made into meatballs. Plus we were running low on salt and meatballs, in particular ones made with the other other white meat, take a load of seasoning. Yes we have a glut of chives, it is chive season afeter all, but a good sprinkle of salt cuts through through the fattiness of man meat, not that Natasha has much fat, most was scored of f by the Bear, though of course now that it's scored it would make it easier to render down during the cooking process, a few buttered Jersey Royals a little wholegrain mustard, et voila! Delicious! Not since I ate the village Elder in the form of sausage have I eaten human. And although I was feeling that rare but powerful cannibal urge even I would draw the line at eating my own bride. Certainly on our wedding day. Plus it's horribly illegal. There are three main laws in my village, don't eat your wife, don't point it's rude and of course unbelievable drooling subservience to me. I must admit I did a little pointing the other day but when Vanya our local law enforcer cited section two, sub-heading one at me I slapped him about like a Romanian sex-worker and made him kiss his own mum. Harsh, very unfair but fair. On the morning of our wedding I plotted how to get rid of Sebastian. I couldn't just kill the man. Well of course I could but I had to admit a slight fondness for the git faced numpty. Fired by inspiration I dashed over to Sebastians cave, knocked on the door, which he was stood just behind. Though of course caves don't have doors so I found myself impatiently drumming my knuckles on the bridge of his silly snotty nose. Then I unleashed my ultimatum. "Listen!" I said with words "Today I am going to marry Natasha, yes she's disfiguired, yes she has the mental capacity of a lemon, yes she wears whicker trousers which due to their un-flexible nature cause her to stumble and bang her head like a drunk three year old but I LOVE HER! And although we had a fling Sebastian I will not allow you to spoil this day. I did a bad thing, and if she finds out it'll kill her and then I'll have to kill her and I don't want that I just want her to be happy. Dammit Sebastian I want to be happy! Please don't tell her I bummed you." "Ok" he said "Thank you" I said relieved. "Did you make Vanya kiss his own mum?", "Yes I did" I replied, "It made him cry Sam", "Oh thats too bad", "yeah", "Better go now", "Wish I didn't live in a cave", "Yeah cave's are shit" ,"I'm hungry" "Gotta go Seb" Christ what a moron. Kind of him to keep quiet about my adultry however, I'll get Vanya to selotape his head to a goat if he so much looks at Natasha funny. Everyone looks at her funny come to think about it, at first I thought it was jealousy but now I suspect it's because one of her eyes is milky like a rabbits eye and her nose is sideways. But waiting at the altar I felt like the luckiest man alive, which I'm not, Justin Timberlake is, but either way village life is good.
