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Lou's Blog

  • Why Coffee is Socially Dangerous Sometimes

    The sky man was coming round – so I put some clothes on – well I was already dressed but not in anything I wanted anyone to see me in, yes you guessed it- I had my naughty vicar outfit on again- tsk tsk what am I like?  No, actually it was a shirt with inappropriate content on.  This content was yoghurt.  It had no place on my shirt.

    I let the man in, you have to you see. Next thing I knew, I heard myself saying; “do you want a cup of tea” – because they like that and I like pleasing people. And he said "yes".

    Well, I was a bit taken aback cos they usually say no, last time someone said yes, I made the coffee, it was coffee that time and they had finished the job before the coffee was drunk.  And we both didn't know what to do because the job was clearly done. Time to go home what-ever-your-name-is.

    But no, he couldn’t because of this sodding coffee – this stupid mug of hot liquid, seemed harmless before didn't it? Well, not now... he wanted to go – I wanted him to go – but there was half a mug of hot coffee here – steaming away taunting us. If he went and left the coffee it would draw attention to the fact that he was rushing to get away. I might think that he didn’t even want the coffee – that he just got me to make it because he was a sexist.  But more likely is that I would think that he thinks we have nothing in common and we can’t even make small talk over half a mug of coffee for 2 minutes.

    So he drinks a sip – a big sip and he visibly burns himself. I ask if he wants more milk. He says no. He means yes, but it's too obvious if he says yes that he’s desperate to go. Men huh?

    God, it’s too painful. Not his lip, although I imagine that is a bit sore too – but this; watching him drink his coffee and having nothing to say to each other – it’s too painful. So I go to yawn and I strike the cup; I delicately smash it right on to the floor. It was premeditated that’s for sure. Don’t worry it was the mug I got free with a flake Easter egg. No biggie. I never liked it anyway. Good riddance to the mug and the man. That saw him on his way. 

    So, this new chap, he said yes, he said yes to a tea. He did not get a tea though. He got a small cup of Ribena. He looked disappointed, but I thought Rick (that was his name. Allegedly) I thought Rick, it’s for your own good. 



    1:33 PM

  • Lady Love Rats

    I read the front cover of some colourful gossip magazine; on one cover it featured John Terry, Ashley Cole and Mark Owen.  What do these men have in common?   Yes, all of them are linked by spreading love and joy around – in all the wrong places.   The sort of ‘love’ that one woman enjoys and the rest of the women in the world do not.  

    It makes you think all men are like that and I’m sure they’re not.  My boyfriend says they’re not anyhow.  

    It’s easy from these stories to think all men are vermin.  But one woman’s sexual pest is another woman’s pet rat.   Or some such analogy.

    I think what these magazines should do to counteract this is include stories about ladies being unfaithful.  That way we don’t think ‘oh all men are toads’ If they reported the famous females who are spreading it about, then we can just think ‘ohh, it’s just celebrities then’.   And we would have something else to judge them for.   Everyone’s a Michael Winner.  

    But surely it’s the women’s fault though Lou, for not being more unfaithful.  Well, no – because actually they are – they’re just not caught as often.  And even when they are AKA the Bruni and Sarkozy case, where both are reported to enjoy extra marital affairs, she is still presented as the desperate victim.

    Perhaps there are not as many kiss and tell boys willing to sell their stories on the women who cheat with them.  Perhaps boys don’t like showing off about bedding a female.  But that can’t be true.  I’ve seen Grease and they positively revel in it; “tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far?” they sing.  And he sings something back about the experience; he’s certainly not shy anyway.

    The truth is it’s easier for the media to regurgitate stereotypes and present Cheryl Cole as the spurned, crying wife than the actual truth – which is she shags her backing dancers all the time (allegedly).  Apparently it’s well known in dance circles.  Of which I dance in.  Now, that makes me like Cheryl a heck of a lot more.  Makes me feel better to be a woman – I would rather be a vixen than a victim – if ever there was a situation where you had to choose, I can’t imagine what situation it might be.  But if there ever is I’m ready with my answer before the question’s even been asked.  

    I’m not saying let’s all be unfaithful – I personally enjoy being monogamous, but I totally understand if people find it hard.  Perhaps don’t get married in the first place though. But hey, we all like an excuse to dress up.

    I am a realist, we all know affairs happen, but why not be modern about it; let’s acknowledge there are a lot of women who are boffing on the side, with their male mistress.  Actually – why isn’t there a world for a male mistress; a MrStress.  See it is so unacknowledged we don’t even have a name for it.  Concubine sort of covers men but seems a little out-dated, it’s certainly not in The Sun or The Mirror’s vocabulary.

    Cheryl is not some docile footballer’s girlfriend – she’s out there having a lovely time – doing her own dirty dancing.   She’s not weeping in the corner – she’s living it up with someone who’s got moves for every occasion.   

    I was discussing these stories of infidelities with three of my male colleagues, rather depressingly they agreed that it was not possible for men to be faithful, they agreed that one woman was not enough.  Maybe this depends on the woman.  They may not have met the one for them.  I finished my glass of half full water. 

    We must remember these men were actors and stand ups, so they were probably needier than most – I’m not sure any amount of bikini-clad women can replace the love that daddy never gave, but that’s a whole new story.  

    So certainly a dispiriting conversation, but I’ve known women who think the same – OK not quite as many, but some.  But what if the magazines wrote more about the women who have a bit on the side?  About the women who thought monogamy was absurd.  Or better still, about the ‘celebrity shockers who have had 40 years of a happy, faithful marriage’.  Would it make a difference, would we become to accept that actually men aren’t born to dick about anymore than women?   That it is just hard to be in a fulfilling relationship, and sometimes it goes wrong. 

    I don’t believe that men are predisposed to cheat any more than I believe we are predisposed to bash another man’s head in with a rock.  Sometimes after a lot of beer or excitement – it happens. 

    1:04 PM

  • One office – Two Susan Browns! We Couldn’t Believe it Either!

    ‘Susan Brown’ someone said, naturally I turned around. Well, my jaw was on the floor when I realised that they weren’t speaking to me at all... but another Susan Brown entirely – what are the chances of that?

    At first I thought someone was pulling my leg; a few of the guys like to wind people up and I thought this was another of their legendary pranks! But no, Pamela in HR confirmed that they had hired someone with exactly the same name as me!

    Disaster ensued – I was getting up to 3 messages a day for the attention of the other Susan. I hate to think what would have happened if one of them was confidential. And then there was the Tupperware fiasco! One day I nearly ate her bolognaise. It was labelled... you guessed it, ‘Susan Brown’ and I thought I’d made it and forgotten about it. What a lovely surprise I said to myself, fork at the ready.

    Luckily I realised just in the nick of time – otherwise we would have had a very angry Susan on our hands. And no doubt a very shame faced one too! I’ve never stolen office bolognaise before and I don’t intend to start now! What a month!

    The stress was starting to affect my health – I had all sorts of concerns... what if our payslips got mixed up? What if she went home with my jacket on? Well, they were my main two concerns.

    One day my husband said enough is enough, you have got to stop worrying about this – perhaps you could be friends with her? I thought about what he said and agreed to try.

    The next day I brought her in a bit of blamange – just the thing to break the ice! She didn’t like blamange but appreciated the effort it took to buy it.

    Slowly I began to see the funny side, and besides things were improving, IT had even set up a new account for her. She was now known as susan.brown2 on the system (instead of sue.brown). Which I think is only fair as I had been there longer.

    After all the teething problems, we thought we’d burry the hatchet and try and get along, after all – we definitely had one thing in common! Now, we’ve actually become very close and people often say – “here come the two Sues – watch out its double trouble”.

    Once we ate out at a cafe and went Dutch. Well, you should have seen the waiter’s face when we both produced credit cards baring the name Susan Brown.  He was gobsmacked. He was probably thinking, “what’s this a Susan Brown Convention”?

    Another Susan joined our office recently – but thank goodness, her name was Susan Carling, another Susan Brown would have been pandemonium!
    3:53 AM

  • Wesley

    We called him Wesley one ear, he was a local Margate character.  What’s with the one ear I said to him?  I mean most people do have the two.  It’s certainly not everyday you lose half an ear.  A finger, yes – uncle Dickie lost a finger in a wood work accident.  It happens.  An eye, yes maybe, Gordon Brown is proof enough that yes, some people do loose an eye.  

    But half an ear?  I mean where’s that got to?  It actually looked to the untrained eye, like someone had chewed half the ear off.

    And funny enough, that’s because they had!


    Yes dear old Wezza he’d gotten in to a fight with a bouncer.  One thing led to another and the bouncer thought – I’m going to have that ear off!  I think I fancy to just bite that little ear right out of site.  And he did.  Fair enough – he stuck to his word.  And off it came.


    You have to at least respect a man who sticks to his word.  Who sees the prize, and doesn’t let the law, morality or little Wesley’s protesting get in the way of a damn good chew-ear.
     
     
     
    5:04 PM

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