Had a weird dream about doing a satirical monologue about a TV show called " Golden Jam". It was hosted by Anne Robinson and was in some way anti-ChinMood: neutral
Posted at 8:43 AM Oct 10 view more

I am a semi-professional acrobat and minor priest of Uombumbay The Undying Egg. To fund my vocation I practise stand-up comedy. What I love about my religion is that it offers no hope at all. When Uombumbay finally emerges from his egg, we believe that he will die whilst laying another egg. I have a beautiful daughter and a lot of fun. I read a lot of comic books and have recently, aged 34, made a half hearted attempt to learn to do tricks on my bike. Vive la Revolucion!
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| Thursday 18th March 2010 | Glasgow - King's Theatre |
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| Friday 19th March 2010 | Glasgow - King's Theatre |
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| Saturday 20th March 2010 | Glasgow - King's Theatre |
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| Sunday 21st March 2010 | Glasgow - King's Theatre |
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| Wednesday 24th March 2010 | Dunfermline - Alhambra |
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| Thursday 25th March 2010 | Dunfermline - Alhambra |
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| Friday 26th March 2010 | Dunfermline - Alhambra |
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| Sunday 28th March 2010 | Inverness - Eden Court Theatre | 01463 234 234 | ||
| Monday 29th March 2010 | Inverness - Eden Court Theatre | 01464 234 234 | ||
| Tuesday 30th March 2010 | Perth - Concert Hall | 01738 621 031 | ||
| Saturday 3rd April 2010 | Aberdeen - Music Hall |
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| Sunday 4th April 2010 | Aberdeen - Music Hall |
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| Wednesday 7th April 2010 | Reading - Hexagon | 0118 960 6060 | ||
| Thursday 8th April 2010 | Plymouth - Pavilions | 0845 146 1460 | ||
| Friday 9th April 2010 | Plymouth - Pavilions |
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| Saturday 10th April 2010 | Bristol - Colston Hall |
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| Sunday 11th April 2010 | Bristol - Colston Hall |
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| Monday 12th April 2010 | Swansea - Grand Theatre | 01792 475 715 | ||
| Wednesday 14th April 2010 | Portsmouth - Guildhall | 02392 824 355 | ||
| Thursday 15th April 2010 | Portsmouth - Guildhall | 02392 824 355 | ||
| Friday 16th April 2010 | Southend - Cliffs Pavilion | 01702 351 135 | ||
| Saturday 17th April 2010 | Brighton - Dome |
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| Sunday 18th April 2010 | Brighton - Dome | 01273 709 709 | ||
| Wednesday 21st April 2010 | Birmingham - Symphony Hall | 0121 780 3333 | ||
| Thursday 22nd April 2010 | Birmingham - Symphony Hall |
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| Friday 23rd April 2010 | Sheffield - City Hall |
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| Saturday 24th April 2010 | Sheffield - City Hall |
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| Sunday 25th April 2010 | Southport - Theatre |
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| Saturday 1st May 2010 | Bournemouth - BIC |
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| Sunday 2nd May 2010 | Bournemouth - BIC | 0844 576 3000 | ||
| Wednesday 5th May 2010 | Leicester - De Montfort Hall | 0116 233 3111 | ||
| Thursday 6th May 2010 | Leicester - De Montfort Hall |
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| Friday 7th May 2010 | Wolverhampton - Civic |
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| Saturday 8th May 2010 | Wolverhampton - Civic |
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| Sunday 9th May 2010 | Wolverhampton - Civic | 0870 320 7000 | ||
| Wednesday 12th May 2010 | York - Grand Opera House | 0844 847 2322 | ||
| Thursday 13th May 2010 | York - Grand Opera House |
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| Friday 14th May 2010 | Newcastle - City Hall |
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| Saturday 15th May 2010 | Newcastle - City Hall |
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| Sunday 16th May 2010 | Newcastle - City Hall | 0191 261 2606 | ||
| Monday 17th May 2010 | Middlesbrough - Town Hall |
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| Tuesday 18th May 2010 | Middlesbrough - Town Hall | 01642 729 729 | ||
| Saturday 22nd May 2010 | Belfast - Waterfront Hall |
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| Sunday 23rd May 2010 | Belfast - Waterfront Hall | 02890 334 455 | ||
| Friday 4th June 2010 | DVD Recording - H'smith Apollo | 08448 44 47 48 | ||
| Saturday 5th June 2010 | DVD Recording - H'smith Apollo | 08448 44 47 48 | ||
| Thursday 30th September 2010 | Edinburgh - Festival Theatre | 0131 529 6000 | ||
| Friday 1st October 2010 | Edinburgh - Festival Theatre |
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| Saturday 2nd October 2010 | Edinburgh - Festival Theatre |
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| Wednesday 6th October 2010 | Oxford - New Theatre | 0844 847 1585 | ||
| Thursday 7th October 2010 | Oxford - New Theatre |
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| Friday 8th October 2010 | Ipswich - Regent Theatre | 01473 433 100 | ||
| Thursday 14th October 2010 | Nottingham - Royal Concert Hall | 0115 989 5555 | ||
| Friday 15th October 2010 | Grimsby - Auditorium | 0844 847 2426 | ||
| Tuesday 19th October 2010 | Northampton - Royal & Derngate | 01604 624 811 | ||
| Wednesday 20th October 2010 | Northampton - Royal & Derngate | 01604 624 811 | ||
| Saturday 23rd October 2010 | Liverpool - Philharmonic | 0151 709 3789 | ||
| Sunday 24th October 2010 | Liverpool - Philharmonic | 0151 709 3789 | ||
| Tuesday 26th October 2010 | Manchester - Apollo | 08444 777 677 | ||
| Wednesday 27th October 2010 | Manchester - Apollo |
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| Thursday 28th October 2010 | Manchester - Apollo |
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| Saturday 30th October 2010 | Cardiff - St David's Hall |
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| Sunday 31st October 2010 | Cardiff - St David's Hall | 02920 878 444 | ||
| Wednesday 3rd November 2010 | London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo | 08448 444 748 | ||
| Thursday 4th November 2010 | London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo | 08448 444 748 | ||
| Friday 5th November 2010 | London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo |
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| Saturday 6th November 2010 | London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo |
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| Sunday 7th November 2010 | Hastings - White Rock Theatre | 01424 462 288 | ||
| Tuesday 16th November 2010 | Carlisle - Sands Centre | 01228 625 222 | ||
| Thursday 18th November 2010 | Preston - Guildhall | 0845 344 2012 | ||
| Friday 19th November 2010 | Blackburn - King George's Hall | 08448 471 664 | ||
| Saturday 20th November 2010 | Bradford - St George's Hall | 01274 432 000 | ||
| Sunday 21st November 2010 | Halifax - Victoria Theatre | 01422 351 158 | ||
I'd love to go on a series of adventures through Modern European History. Perhaps travelling through some kind of Time Door, with a teenage sidekick, or a cavewoman. I would travel along the Timepaths averting wars and catastrophe, then eventually return to my own time. Where my meddling would mean that Britain was ruled by worms.
My friend Thomas Duffy and I both joined the Cubs, which we loved. I think we’d exaggerated the subs to our folks so we could buy Slush Puppies on the way home. Our parents never caught on, even though we’d always come back with bright blue or purple mouths and crippling headaches. The Cubs was run by a lovely lady who lived round the corner from us. I don’t think she knew a single thing about the Cubs or the Scouting movement; she just started it up in the church hall to give us something to do. There were none of the awkward formal greetings and knot tying of the proper Cubs. If you wanted a badge you just told her and she’d set you a totally arbitrary task. I got my sports badge for running round the hall. There was a great fancy-dress competition every Halloween. Once I went as the Hulk – painted from head to foot in watercolours that dried on me in such a way that I seemed to be walking around in a huge scab. Thomas, quite brilliantly, painted an enormous cardboard box and went as an Oxo cube. He made his dad walk us up to the hall as he had a real paranoia that a passing lunatic might set fire to him.
The Cub leader’s brother would come to the meetings a lot to help out; he was maybe in his twenties. The last 20 minutes of most meetings involved him tying an enormous running shoe to a big bit of rope and making us jump as he swung it round faster and faster. Who knows what was going on in this guy’s life that he’d turn up every week to blast wee boys into the side of a public building with an enormous shoe, but we were really glad that he did. I even won one week! I was encouraged to stage a high jump competition at some railings near our house, hurting my balls quite badly.
Our outfit or unit or whatever (not having been in the proper Cubs, who knows what the term is) went to a real Scout camp once and it was absolute chaos. There’s always been something suspect about Scoutmasters to me. Middle-aged men taking young boys into the woods to practise tying knots is clearly not good. If you’re going to get felt up in a tent by the Scoutmaster then the very least you should get is a badge that you can use to cover the hole in the back of your shorts.
There was also some weird sectarian thing going on with the guy who was leading the trip. I was too young to decode what was going on but when the kids started singing ‘Flower of Scotland’ on the bus he went absolutely tonto, making the driver pull into a lay-by and giving a truly crazy, bulging-eyed speech about the Queen. That’s a real thing with sectarians – they always assume that people are interested in the shite they talk. He was literally foaming at the mouth about the Act of Union, in front of a bunch of 9 year olds who were thinking about when they might get a hotdog. Of course one must avoid generalisations but that man was definitely a paedophile.
At camp, we were no more prepared to set up tents and light fires than a tribe of monkeys. In fact, one of our guys (a real wingnut who seemed much too tall and old to be a Cub) immediately climbed a tree and started screaming like a monkey, breaking off branches and throwing them into the camp. Another got off the bus and just ran straight down towards the river bank, crashing straight into the river. The real Scouts looked shell-shocked as the monkey guy leapt down from the tree and tried to engage them in swordfights with an enormous stick. Clearly, all pretence of being a real outfit, unit or possibly troop had been blown.
The Scouts sent an observer to one of our meetings. I missed it but apparently he stood around slack-jawed watching boys get pelted into stacks of chairs with a big training shoe. We were all made to attend a real Cubs meet in a better part of town. The Cubs had to line up and do a little salute at the start! The leader was called Arkela! The gymnastics badge didn’t simply require jumping two-footed over a chair! Their leader called out a boy to give a mad little speech about the history of Scouting. He had an enormous gumboil, easily half the size of his face, and spoke in a wet mumble like The Elephant Man Jr. The meetings must have been bad because our Cubs got shut down and there was fuck all to do again.
Comments
Nov 7 2009 5:13 PM
(Glitch, Ambient, Downtempo, IDM)
Almost Tomorrow is the third full length collaboration album from Section 27 Netlabel founders Tam Ferrans and Andrew Paterson, under their Nonima & theAudiologist guise. This time around the sound is more melodic, and has a definite feeling of a complete and more mature sound than heard on the previous LP's "Dystopian Battle Hymns" and "Ceremony After Amputation". If you are familiar with their individual projects you may even be in for a slight surprise, as the tracks are not as beat driven like before, but are more atmospheric and sound, well... "bigger". In its 75 minutes, Almost Tomorrow takes you on a trip from the digital rain-soaked cavernous scraping in "Thoughtograph", the ethereal beat jittering of "The Colour of Rain", intercepted transmissions from unknown places in "Com-Intercept", "Ganzfeld"s huge yet strangely insect-like beats until everything you knew comes crashing around you in "Almost Tomorrow". Burning pianos, glitched out soundscapes and intricately programmed beatplay, this may well be their best work to date. Consider it the soundtrack to a rainy overcastday, but with just that glimmer of sunshine peeking from the clouds. "Almost Tomorrow" wears its heart on its sleeve.
Licensed by Creative Commons.
www.myspace.com/nonima27
www.myspace.com/questasian
Download and Audio previews available at :
http://section27netlabel.blogspot.com
Support your underground artists!
Nov 5 2009 3:23 PM
Nov 4 2009 3:24 PM
An impatient midwife and Jonathan Ross having sex with his wife
Nov 3 2009 9:04 AM
Nov 3 2009 9:04 AM
Nov 2 2009 7:32 PM
Nov 2 2009 3:56 PM
Don't see Dublin on that 2010 tour?Sort it out!
TTC.
Nov 2 2009 2:47 PM
Nov 1 2009 8:40 PM
Nov 1 2009 4:44 PM
xxxx
dollhouse
Nov 1 2009 4:44 PM
Nov 1 2009 2:21 PM
Nov 1 2009 2:21 PM
i watched the webcast ye did wi myspace (al bet ye were glad to get out of there.. fuckin eejits lol)... av had a whip round wi all 3 of ma mates... we have £4.67p... is that enough to hire a ninja kid to take out that fanny Will??
i just wanted to say... wi that beard ye look like ye have been muff divin avid merrions bear.. ;oP
ad better go... if the nurse catches me online after lights out again... she said she would confiscate ma skippin ropes.
Craig.
Ps.. seriously... if the nurse asks... ye never seen me ;o)
Nov 1 2009 2:20 PM
Nov 1 2009 2:20 PM
Oct 31 2009 6:38 PM
Oct 30 2009 6:55 PM
Oct 30 2009 6:55 PM
Oct 30 2009 1:13 PM
Oct 30 2009 1:13 PM
Oct 30 2009 1:13 PM
Oct 30 2009 1:13 PM
Hate to be a bother, but could you post me a letter and tall me what it looks like?
Oct 28 2009 7:41 PM
hows the throat?
Oct 28 2009 7:41 PM
Oct 27 2009 4:35 PM
but
get well