Andrew O'Neill's Blog
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Chortle awards
I got nominated for an award. I've never really had anything like that. It was the Chortle 'breakthrough' act. It's oddly undefined. I think I've got better over the last year or so, but don't feel like I've made any jump. I think it's just that the industry has decided I'm good now.
I didn't win it. I didn't expect to, but I'm left wondering if this means that technically I haven't broken through and am left scratching at the underside of some comedy membrane. Sarah Millican won it, quite rightly. She won the If.com newcomer award and has gone through the roof. It's like an award for winning awards. Odd. It's a shame I didn't win, because I was going to sing the Queen song 'Breakthrough' all the way through. Sarah Millican didn't even show up. Loser.
The party was good. It being a party, I dressed up. As per usual it was like coming out again. Loads of people thought it was something new, as opposed to something I've done for 10 years. People were very complimentary though. I like the open-mindedness of the comedy world. I got to tell Roy Walker my Roy Walker reference too, which was pretty sweet. Which, on reflection, means I've now told Roy Walker, Clive Anderson AND Russell Grant about the references to them I've made in my material. That's magick at work right there. Performing material about people means you get to meet them.
The Roy Walker bit is about people shouting at me for cross-dressing:
'It tends to take the form of 'say what you see'. Roy Walker should be proud of the legacy he's left us with Catchphrase.
"There's Mr. Chips there, what's he doing?"
"HE'S WEARING A DRESS!"
It was well funny. I said 'I'm a transvestite' to introduce the topic of the joke (I was wearing a skirt, make-up and heels at the time...) He said "I don't care what you are as long as you're enjoying yourself." He was a bit pissed...
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Interview I did that won't get printed.
Here is the text of an interview I did to promote my show in Leicester. I haven't heard back from the person involved, so I guess my cynical answers annoyed them sufficiently to not use it. Still. It made me laugh.
I get the impression they don't know quite how not-famous I am...Comedian Andrew O’NeillHow did you become a well-known comedian?
Mass hypnosis. Every time I perform I include undetectable yet potent subconscious signals for people to follow my career, talk about me on the internet and put my picture in glossy magazines. It's beginning to work, as this interview proves.
How do you deal with the success and the fame you have achieved over the years?
I spend a lot of time with people who really hate me. This is grounding. I am also constantly updating my disguises – to the degree that nobody knows what I really look like.
What is it like working with other famous comedians?
Horrible.The worst thing is the smell. No-one mentions this, but the more famous you get, the more you smell. This is why big name comics have to play in arenas – it's because of the air circulation. Eddie Izzard smells like a dead whale that's been baking in the sun. Bill Bailey smells like the inside of an old washing machine.
What has been the best highlight point in your career?
This interview. After I've finished, I will weep, as it can only go
downhill.
What is the response you get from fans and what is your reaction towards it?
Usually a mixture of violence and lust. I deal with it by being armed at all times.
I absolutely love your comedian performances, how would you define
your sense of style?
Comedygrind.
You’re due to appear in this years Leicester Comedy Festival on February 13th, 09, is there any sneak previews we can get from you?
Yes. The day before. Same show, same venue! Nothing sneaky about it!
In Leicester, the Leicester Comedy Festival, is one of the great
highlights in Leicester, what do you think of it and what are your
thoughts and opinions of people in Leicester and the place overall?
I think Leicester is shit.
Do you have a catchy phrase which you regularly use in your performances?
Yes, loads. “Don't mind me, I'm just the surgeon!” “What is this -
THE FORTIES?!” and “Whoops! Madam's drunk again!” being my favourites.
You’re very well known for wearing black all the time and it really suits
you, is that part of your style or is there a specific image you
want to portray as a result?
I want audiences to fear me.
What is your main aim as a comedian? Is there a specific target you want to achieve?
Making people weep / lose their short term memory.
If you weren’t a comedian right now, what do you think you would have become?
An evil genius.
What are your hobbies and interests?
Fighting, medical sabotage, light industrial parks, Bromley.
If I was really sad right now, what would you say to make me laugh?
“Oh fucking cheer up, you miserable sod!”
Any advice you can give to wannabe comedians out there?
Do something else.
What can eager fans expect from you in the future?
Mild disappointment.
Is there anything you want to share with your fans? (or add to this interview?)
I've just made a pot of tea. If you want to come round, bring a cup.
Thank you very much for your time in answering these questions, it is
greatly appreciated!!
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Post a comment...
- Sapphire Flame1 year ago
Haha awesome.
- Edward Newman3 years ago
Brilliant.
You may not be famous, but you're probably still recognisable enough for someone to come up and say hi to you outside the HMV on Oxford Street.
That was me. Sorry about that, you did look a little confused. - Miss Cellophane3 years ago
*brings a cup*
you're famous in my world anyway :) x - Matt Kirshen3 years ago
Hello,
My name is Matthew Benjamin Kirshen. I am the co-editor of the official Humayra Sadiq newspaper called The Daily Humayra Sadiq, Co-Editor of the Official Leicester Comedy Festival Newspaper called 10 Days News.
As someone who has recently interacted with Humayra Sadiq, Co-Editor of the Official Leicester Comedy Festival Newspaper called 10 Days, I was wondering if you'd be willing to answer a few questions for our publication, The Daily Humayra Sadiq, Co-Editor of the Official Leicester Comedy Festival Newspaper called 10 Days News.
Please respond by return of blog, or by finding someone near you, telling them and then saying "pass it on".
Yours
Matthew Benjamin Kirshen
Co-Editor, The Daily Humayra Sadiq, Co-Editor of the Official Leicester Comedy Festival Newspaper called 10 Days News - Oven Glove's Creek3 years ago
'In Leicester, the Leicester Comedy Festival, is one of the great highlights in Leicester, what do you think of it and what are your thoughts and opinions of people in Leicester and the place overall?'
- Winner of Excessive Use Of Leicester In A Question Award.
Funny interview, you should piss off more papers and just post them all online instead.
- Pete3 years ago
That is fucking hilarious.
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After the fires
At the start of the fifth week, Roberts was growing weary. His face was
drawn with tiredness and dirt lined the thick creases in his skin. The
tunnel was vast now, and the sound of the pumps keeping it dry echoed
in the huge space. We were all tired, but I was getting worried about
him.
How different we had felt two months before when we'd first got
funding. The caretaker government didn't have much money but it was
clear that the cost of driving around Vanessa Feltz was crippling the already fragile post-war economy. A tunnel seemed somehow both obvious and audacious.
No-one had tunnelled through flesh before. A rag-tag assortment of
engineers, surgeons and body piercers put together a plan surprisingly
quickly.
There were some that doubted she was dead. Maybe the radiation that had
made her grow could keep her alive. We were all just guessing. The war
had taken its toll on everyone's spirit, but in recent weeks a new
optimism had been gathering strength. Maybe this was an opportunity.
The Old World had burned, and more and more people were seeing that
that was a good thing. We could start again - draw a line under our
mistakes. The weapons America had used had balanced the climate, a real
grassroots socialism had flourished in the rubble and people were keen
to co-operate.
At times it felt like we were playing. It almost felt like fun. That was until the screaming started.
It happened as soon as we broke through the first dermal layer. It
didn't come from her mouth, but somehow from inside our own heads. A
haunting, pitiful sound. Familiar, yet alien. The death rattle of
someone already dead. The despair of the forgotten. After three days it
stopped, and the tunnelling stepped up, boring through fat, muscle and
bone. It was a shame that her vagina lay just too far out of the way of
the road - it could have just been propped open and would have saved us
weeks.
The rest of the body was coated in a thick plasticised glue. The
radiation had preserved her outer layer, but we could tell from the
smell that the inside was beginning to decay. It had been decided that
this was to be a monument. A monument to the past - the Old World's
ignorance personified, and a monument to the future - an elegant
solution to an immense problem.
In a funny way, Vanessa Feltz helped forge the New World.
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Bruce Forsyth
Bruce Forsyth enters the room. Heads turn, conversations pause, never to be restarted. A woman, hair thick with Product, eyes dead, hangs on his arm.
He glides in on a three-inch phosphorous cloud, a low hum resonating through the floor. An Albanian waiter mouths a curse in his mother tongue. The perspective seems all wrong. He looks both larger and smaller than he should. He shrinks out of time with his movement, making a group of office managers nauseous.
Minds sync up. The room thinks as one consciousness. But. Why. Is. He. Naked?
Not only naked. Gloriously naked. Sallow skin, discoloured nipples, tufts of wiry grey hairs sprouting like popped bedsprings. And a hypnotic, pulsing, veined erection. Pointing to 11 o'clock, pre-cum glistening on the helmet. Massive. Smooth, thick and long. Any attempt to look away proves futile as - quietly at first - the Forsyth cock begins to sing.
"It's... only..."
A glass shatters and nobody hears it. The musical tool grows more confident.
"...a... game... so..."
Forsyth is still gliding. Circling the room, shepherding the crowd like a collie, a rictus grin convincing no-one. The glossy woman barely emotes but points blankly at the cock with an acrylic nail. The singing grows louder.
"...put up a real good fight!"
Exactly on the beat, 800 identical naked, hovering, out-of-scale Bruce Forsyths are in the room, their erect cocks singing along in a sickeningly complex harmony.
"I'M GONNA BE SNOOKERING YOU TONIGHT!"
An estate agent bellows above the noise to his colleagues, "IT'S THE MUSIC FROM BIG BREAK!", but they know that all too well already.
The discordance proves too much and people begin to black out. A middle-aged man vomits onto his own lap. A nineteen year-old in high heels and wedding hair tries to articulate the phrase "but that was Jim Davidson" but is crying too hard. A cock identifies the thought and drags its Bruce Forsyth over to her so it can sing in her ear. The pressure proves to much and her eardrums burst. She screams.
The air pressure in the room seems to rise. More eardrums burst and black blood begins flowing out of noses and eyes. The singing gets louder still, shrill and harsh. The 801 Brucies glide faster in their circle, a look of alien hatred developing on each of their faces.
The lights go out.
you get the breakthrough-my-comedy-hymen award . Its the best award , i've heard it said - honest i have ... someone actually said "its the best award" .... i think it was in a pub . But yes - you're a winner baby !!!!
Because of what you do, what you believe and the way you go about it, you're a winner to me.
Sorry if it sounds yankee-wanky but it's true.
You can have the seeb award for funniest person in my friends list
there, you've broken through x