Current mood:
contemplative
Current mood:
catalyzed
Here is my news:
So far in 2008 I have mostly pissed about doing very little of worth or interest.
But for reasons of financial imperative, I have now been forced to apply myself once again to assembling some manner of show for the Edinburgh Cunts' Festival this August.
I have called it 'Don't Just Do Something, Sit There!'. It is going to be better than most of the other dog shit you'll see up there in Edinburgh, except for Helen Keen's show about rocket nonsense which will probably be the best thing to see, even though lots of scumbags have completely ripped off her idea to do a science-based show because they are all idea-thieving black holes of creative sterility who deserve to have their genitals mutilated.
If you are around, it would be lovely if you came to see my show 'Don't Just Do Something, Sit There!' but don't bother with any of the other crap (except Helen Keen's rocket nonsense show.)
Have a look at the edinburgh fringe website for dates and times for my show and how much it costs and that.
Thank you for reading this. I don't know what any of you look like, but I would probably fuck you, if you wanted, because I have an excess of man business in my balls.
All the best,
Andrew
Current mood:
recumbent
Welcome to this blog posting, I salute you with a kiss and a smily face such is customary amongst the computing fraternity
x :-)
here is a winking face also for no particular reason ;-)
and now a pube ~
But enough of this, let us apply our full faculties to the business at hand
You are hereby cordially invited to pay substancial moneys to attend the last ever performances of my very special show 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers' at London's swanky Soho Theatre, before I consign it to oblivion and forget it ever happened.
Dragging the sorry carcas of this show through five more nights offends my sensibilities so much that should you attend you are bound to see my weary personage afflicted with the rueful resigned gaze and the pronounced facial spasming characteristic of a man sick of his own crappy words, miserable voice and despicable face yet too feckless to do anything about any of it.
Were it not for the fact that they're paying me quite handsomely for my services, I could easily forgo these distracting Soho Theatre dates for a night at home with my head in the oven.
Still money is money.
Should you find it in your hearts to grace me with your attendence at the Soho Theatre- and perhaps also bring some manner of gift for me, a trinket to the value of £65 as a sort of very belated chirstmas present- I should hold you in very high esteem indeed.
You may have seen the show before, but be advised I shall be performing an entirely new ending for the show which I have devised singularly for my run at the Soho Theatre- where at the forty minute mark I shall begin to punch myself in the balls whilst blowing snot out of my nose before collapsing to the floor in the foetal position and sticking my fingers down my throat inducing copious vomit which i shall proceed to lie face down and attempt to drown myself in, whilst also smacking the back of my skull wet with blood by using the microphone as a bludgeoning instrument and also using my feet to steer the microphone stand into my arsehole thereby performing an unlikely but peremptory anal rape. It won't be everyone's cup of tea.
'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers' Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE, London, 5-9th February inclusive, tickets: £12.50-£17.50 (which is a bit steep if you ask me...)
box office: 02074780100
blowjobs!
x
Current mood:
savage
Read this, it is more important than your own life:
For many months now I have been working on something which I believe will shake the world of stand-up comedy on its very axis and leave all my comedic contemporaries deaf, blind and mute. They shall be as quivering wrecks in the gutter of has-beens, languishing in a lake of their own lamentable fluids. I shall look down and see them rolling around in the agony of their own inadequacy and i shall spit on them the rankest, stickiest greenest mouth-bogie there has ever been.
It is with a puffed-up chest full of justifiable pride that i smugly announce to you all here and now exclusively that my new stand-up comedy show 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers.' is ready for public viewing.
It is better than anything there has ever been in the entire history of the world. It will never be equalled by another, except if I should choose to equal it myself, and it will definitely never be surpassed.
I advise you most sincerely to attend one of my preview shows in June or July because once I take it to the Edinburgh Cunts Festival in August you won't be able to get a ticket for love nor money-that's how very good it is.
And so,because I am a decent human being and I wouldn't want you to miss out on the most astounding comedic endeavour in the history of the Universe, I have listed below a number of preview shows you will most certainly want to attend. If you have any common sense, taste, class or culture about you at all then I fully expect to see you there.
*Please note that 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers' will not contain any musical comedy. Legislation recently passed by the Comedians' Council Of Great Britain expilicity states: 'from now on musical comedy can only be performed by and for people who fuck barnyard animals'. Consequently I have given up musical comedy. Sorry.*
8th June: Old Fire Station Studio, George Street, Oxford, OX1 2AQ, 8.45pm box office: 01865 297 170
12th June: Venue M, 10 George Street, Old Town, Hastings, 8.30pm
15th June: Liverpool Comedy Festival, Performance Room, 35 Sefton St, L8 5SL, 8.30pm, Box Office: 0870 787 1866
17th June: Battersea Arts Centre, Lavender Hill, London, SW11 5TN, Main House Theatre, 7pm, box office: 0207 223 2223
26th June: Lowdown At The Albany, 240 Great Portland St, London, w1w 5qu, 8pm, box office: 0207 387 5706
27th June: Canterbury Gulbenkian Theatre, University Of Kent, CT2 7NB, 8pm
3rd July, Lowdown At The Albany, 8pm
10th July, Ginglik, Shepherds Bush Green, London, W12 8PH, 8pm
11th July: 99Club Islington, Camden Head, 2 Camden Walk, N1 8DY,9.45pm
22nd July: 99 Club Leicester Square, Storm Night Club, Leicester Square, London, 9pm
24th July: Lowdown At The Albany, 8pm.
(In the event that Andrew Lawrence's show 'Social Leprosy For Beginners And Improvers' should not live up to the expectations of this blog, there can be no refunds.)
Please please come for the love of god please. No, but please.